Relationships

It is interesting that the Japanese martial way of aikido which has evolved out of battlefield hand-to-hand combat techniques of feudal Japan have come to be a method of understanding relationships. It is hard to think of the fighting strategies of medieval Japanese knights, the samurai as having any connection with the philosophies for developing good interpersonal relationships in modern society. It is however the case. If we ponder the reasons, it may be because even the samurai realized that it was hard to do battle with a foe that wasn’t there. As the saying goes, “It takes two,” or more, “to tango.” Warriors of old spent hour upon hour practicing for a time, sometimes the only time they would do battle. During their practice they would time and time again engage in serious training with others. It is impossible to become skilled at any fighting art without the participation of others. And like the samurai who would go on learning quests to test their skills and learn new ones, aikidoka must practice with a wide range of people in order to develop. Of course, we must develop strong technical skills, but just as importantly we must develop our interpersonal skills. By meeting and practicing with a wide range of people we can, though experience, develop an understanding of people in general. We can learn to sense people’s intent.

When people first begin their study of aikido, they see it as a means of self-defence in which to learn some fighting technique or strategy to overcome others should a conflict arise. When I began my budo studies at the ripe old age of twelve, I was not a very aggressive person. Although bigger than most lads my age, I believed, as most young teenaged boys, that at some point I was going to have to fight for some cause. Being quite passive and not very athletic, I figured that my best chances of survival from the perceived dangers I felt were eminent, was to study martial arts as one of my childhood heroes James Bond had done.

That is where my pursuit of the ultimate fighting strategies began. And I learned a lot of them. In time, my repertoire of techniques to injure, mangle and maim others grew as did my confidence that should my skills be called into use I would be ready for the confrontation. It wasn’t until well over a decade later that I began to see my training differently. I had just graduated from the International Instructor Course in Yoshinkan Aikido, obtained my sandan, 3rd degree black belt, and was accepted into the dojo of my teacher Ando Tsuneo Sensei.

The change in the aikidoka’s spirit is subtle and takes time to develop. It is not as though someone takes years of perceptions and changes them with a simple explanation. It must be understood that Ando Sensei spoke very little English when we met and I understood even less Japanese. As my Japanese improved, I began to realize that Sensei was talking about partners, not opponents. This message was reinforced daily in every practice. It wasn’t something I was used to hearing, but it gave me comfort to think that as I tried daily to nock Ando Sensei’s block off, he considered me his friend, his partner in a necessary relationship to study aikido. Unfortunately, our relationship ended time and time again with me being smashed to the ground. As I said previously, changes in perceptions take time and the way to achieve understanding is sometimes long and painful, but always well worth it.

Now in my lessons to my students I often talk about relationships, both physical and interpersonal. Physically, in aikido we must not concentrate our effort on ‘doing’ something to our partner. Rather, we must focus on how to achieve a certain physical relationship between our partner(s) and ourselves. This is a very difficult concept to explain verbally and it is best understood by seeing it or better yet feeling it. That being said, there exists in aikido techniques optimal positions (physical relationships) between shite and uke when initiating and realizing a technique. Through experience and guidance from a skilled teacher, we can come to understand that the correct relationship between people is the way to achieving a positive outcome – in this case the completion of a technique. Once we can understand the connection between the physical relationship and the technique, the ‘secrets’ of aikido begin to be revealed to us. We can in time understand what the masters mean by ‘one technique is all techniques.’

During the 5th International Instructor Course that I participated in, Ando Sensei had to stop teaching full-time at the Yoshinkan Hombu Dojo. He had been running his own dojo for sometime and it was growing to the point where he could not teach full-time at two locations. In addition, his young wife had been stricken with cancer and the majority of the responsibilities of the household and their two young children were left to him. His last day as a full-time teacher at the Hombu Dojo was a very sad day for me and I think for him as well. Luckily, I eventually gained admittance into his dojo upon completion of the Course. But I digress. On the day Ando Sensei left the Hombu Dojo, he had done as he had so many times before, used me as uke. It was an amazing day! He taught technique after technique. He kept explaining how every technique was the same. At that time I didn’t understand, but I knew it had to be important. In time I understood every technique is the same once I realized the importance of the relationship between shite and uke. An aside from that last day was the final technique Ando Sensei did or perhaps didn’t do to me. It is to this day the most interesting technique I have ever felt or not felt, but more on that another time.

Relationships in aikido from a philosophical point of view is summed up by one of the most powerful statements ever made by Shioda Gozo Sensei, the late founder of the Yoshinkan style of aikido studied at the Hiryukan was this, and I paraphrase, “When someone comes to you with the intent of killing you, the strongest aikido is to keep the mind that they are your friend.” I once watched a Japanese television clip where this quote was read aloud. The audience and T.V. show hosts alike gasped and exclaimed in unison “Kakoii!” Translated, “That’s cool!” The English translation really does an injustice to the unified, heartfelt response. In essence those that heard these words were saying it is an awesome ideal, art, and a person that can maintain this mental attitude in the face of confrontation, and truly see their aggressor as a friend. They understood what is meant when I say aikido is a study of relationships.

Although the outcome may be the same, the mind of the master aikidoka is different. While outsiders or novices see a confrontation, the master sees a relationship being created. Even though it may be short lived, and one of the parties involved may be displeased with the outcome, the spirit the aikido master maintains is such that they feel they are engaged in a relationship.

Relationships – the Life Lesson:

Throughout our lives we will encounter a multitude of people with whom we will by necessity, interact. Aikido training is a tool by which we learn how to relate to others. By disciplining our mind and taking control of our emotions, we can truly develop the attitude that everyone is our friend. Aikido is not really a means of learning to defeat others but rather a tool to train us and give us the discipline to relate to others with a positive attitude. Ultimately, we should always work towards positive outcomes in our dealings with others. This goal may not always be achieved, but by keeping our state of mind such that we intend no ill towards others, we may just notice that the hearts of others may change too, and the World may just be a little better place.

~ Stephen Ohlman